Thoughts And Mindfulness

I used to fill up an entire journal every month. Now it takes me about 6 months to fill one.  I don't write as much.  Part of it is being busy.  Part of it is trying to be less absorbed. I suppose I wouldn't have to write about myself, but when it comes to journaling I usually just say what I have been doing and vaguely how I feel. Nothing poetic.  Nothing deep.  I write lazily in lazy words just to get the gist of what I think, it calms me down.  I don't know what I do to calm down anymore.  I suppose I have been working on mindfulness, which is something many people encourage these days since we all live in our heads now and in the internet.

 Beyond that, I have been previously diagnosed with Dissociative Personality Disorder.  I've been diagnosed with a zillion things but this is one disorder I might agree I have traits of. 

I leave my body a lot.  I dream in third person, and I think in third person.  I often imagine myself from an aerial viewpoint.  It is the worst when it comes to sexual things, and things of high stress and emotion. I've been working on being me.  In me.  Experiencing me.  

I don't know what the right balance is between being present and mindful, and then pursuing my writing, my comic, my blogging.  There doesn't feel to be enough time. I'm already 22 and I'm not a rock star yet. The only people I perform for is my friends when we are drunk, and my pets who don't have an option to ignore me. 

I'm not a published comic book writer, but I have my Dystopian Nuclear Holocaust tumblr.  

I'm not a published novelist, but I have this gloriously stimulating and high brow blog.

I'm not a real director, but I've made 3 short films so far and need to make a fourth this week.

I can't even knit anything beyond bunny blankets. 

I'm not an accomplished artist in anything, but I certainly art a lot of arts.  

I wonder if there is a way to make arts and still be in my body.  Art is so indulgent and wrapped up in the focus and tunnels and the drifting in the head.  I bet pottery is a good one.

Maybe if I paid attention to my body while I did artsy pursuits, they'd actually be good and worth while.  

Right now, I write this on my iPad (which is a horrible way to type this much) at 3:00am on Thursday.  I am laying in bed, my cat Thunder was laying with me but when I pulled my comforter out from under him he left the bed.  My knees are up and my iPad is rested upon them.  My neck is strained on top just one pillow.  Mr Fuzzies is under my right arm.  My hands are dry and I have a slight burning in my throat from the birth control and Zoloft I just took that seems to be giving my acid reflux or dissolving in my esophagus. This is me being mindful. I'm experiencing me. 

 It's actually really dull and I'd rather watch Batman Forever and experience that.