Birth Control can be Dangerous. Unlike Pilates, the Avengers, etc.

This week was pretty awesome.  I've been keeping up with doing yoga and pilates like every morning.  With no air conditioning!  I sweat up a storm.  Not attractive.  But I was hoping to tone up for Disney, didn't seem to happen - still a chub scout.

I was trying to figure out why when BAM I think it's my Depo Provera.  AKA the Shot, Depo is a birth control.  I take a shot every three months and never get a period!  Sound awesome right?  Except women have frequently reported gaining over 100 lbs, depression, hair loss, acne, and other crazy shit.  The weight gain is the one I really don't want.  I haven't been able to figure out why I'm not loosing as much as I should be (I don't eat much, I eat pretty healthy, I exercise, I walk EVERYWHERE - like at least an hour of walking a day).  I assume birth control must at least be a factor into why I am not loosing this weight.  So, I am not going to take it anymore - you might be thinking Nooo Kim you gunna get prego you dumb girl!  But I'm celibate.  So that's impossible.  As I've stated previously - I just don't really like that stuff.  I only take birth control on the off chance I might have sex.  But if I am damaging my body with unhealthy side effects of birth control - no way.  I'm not sacrificing my health for men.  I just wont have sex.  Well, I wont until I get Depo out of my system, I'm currently doing a lychee fruit detox.  Then I will talk to my doctor doctor about getting on a different form of birth control that will be right for me.  But I know it will take a while to get Depo out of my system.

Phsh, totally just made plans to drink tonight.  So much for detox.  BUT  I haven't drank in like two weeks?  I haven't been drunk since September.  So, I'm good.  :D

Let's recap the week:
Saturday I woke up and did my pilates for an hour, volunteered at the library, worked, chinese food!
Sunday I had an AMAZING picnic that Buzz set up and everything.  He made me lots of good food.

 I love him so much.  And I wore my new wrap dress - it makes me look fat but it's still cute.

He even got us hard cider to drink in the park!  I felt like such a rebel drinking in public in broad daylight.  We went home and napped and then when we woke up I talked Buzz into doing yoga with me.  We did easy yoga so with unflexible body could join in.  It was super cute and after we got all sweaty we took a bath and then went out in town again.  We tried jerk chicken for the first time.  nomnomnom it's so tasty!  We walked to the water front to watch the sunset while we ate chicken.  lol romantic right?  Then we got creemees on the way home!  *so stuffed*
Monday I came home from my awake overnight and slept, hour of pilates, and started packing to move into my new apartment.
Tuesday I woke up, pilates, went to my work to paint walls for one of the shelter rooms,

went to a staff meeting, went home to nap for a second then got dinner with one of my girlfriends before I worked an overnight.

Wednesday I slept in after my overnight and Buzz took me to Henry's!  A fifties style dinner that makes great eggs Benedict.  Then we looked in some shops and of course I did some shopping.  Then we went home to drop off our stuff we bought (or I bought lol) and saw the Avengers!  It was a fun movie but did you notice the camera never stopped movie?  I haven't seen an action blockbuster in a long time so my eyes were not prepared for it.  I think films, like technology, are beginning to cater to our ADD society.  After the movie we went to then fancy restaurant during it's special hours to get delicious meals for $15!  I got a wine soda too.  It was called Rose and was pink.  Super cute.

Thursday was another day off with Buzz at work so it was a Me Day.  I slept in until eleven!  Then pilates, then bathe, ate lunch with Buzzy,then got my toe nails done!!! The lady did such a great job. I'm going there Sunday to get my nails done and my eyebrows waxed. After that I went tanning.  Then went home- tanning when it's hot out is not a good idea (I mean in a tanning bed).  Then me and Buzz stayed inside until more Chinese food (we're addicted I swear) and I bought some probiotic drinks from the Co-Op.

Recaps are really hard, jeez I have a bad memory.  But I don't journal anymore really.  So I feel it's important to remember.

Cosmetic surgery is totally irrelevant to tap dancing. - or erectile dysfunction, okay maybe that.

ZOMG so my brother is texting me about his erectile dysfunction.  I do NOT want to hear that!  He is way to personal with me sometimes.

PS I just found Care Credit?  It makes payment plans so you can get cosmetic surgery now and pay for it a little every month.  And if you pay in the set schedule you collect no interest!  I think that is awesome because I have no qualms with cosmetic surgery.  Everyone is like blah blah it's fake.  But people wear makeup!  And dye their hair! It's total crap and I think people should do what they want to feel pretty.  It's the same as making fun of people and calling them ugly.  There is no need to be mean about how others look - just don't look at them.

I mean I get that to a point plastic surgery looks weird.  But so what? Do what you do.  I want to get breast augmentation, because I don't feel like mine developed right.  lol That's embarrassing to admit.  But really, I wore training bras until I was 15 because I was too afraid to ask my mom for real bras.  She basically scared the crap out of me about growing up and developing into a women to like, bras were nerve wrecking.  Anyways, I slept in a bra all through high school because I didn't want breasts and so I always kept them pinned down.  Well now I embrace being a woman and my breasts stink.  :c  not literally lol.

I want to move past that part of my life and feel pretty.  Of course everyone is like "Beauty is on the inside, accept your body."  Well fuck you I do accept my body.  I haven't left it yet right?  I just want to change it.  Everyone wants to change things they don't like, so I want to change my tits.  Oh and get fillers for under my eyes.  I have crap genetics I swear.

Oh!  And I had my tap dance recital!  My boyfriend was the fucking shit and bought me a dozen roses!  I had to go to the recital during my lunch break at work, I'm so badass.

Here is the video.  There are pictures too!

 

It was awesome I felt so loved!

Okay now I'm going to do more yoga.  Gotta get ready for bikini!!

1Q84 + Battle Royale, or how Japanese books saved me in sickness andHurricane Katrina.

Well I have not blogged in a hot minute.  My bad.  Really, I've been super busy so it's not totally my fault.  In the past twelve days I've worked way to much and I was sick all weekend.  I finished my book 1Q84!  The longest book I've ever read!

1000 pages of long-winded, dry, meticulous detailed Japanese writing from a very male perspective.  Nonetheless, I really enjoyed it.  I also read the first Hunger Games book and I will discuss that series when I finish all three because that will need it's own blog.  While I wait for my boyfriend to buy the other two Hunger Games - we agreed I'd buy the first and Battle Royale and he'd buy the other two HGs - I am re reading Battle Royale.  Yes I am one of those people who thinks BR is much better and HGs is a rip off.  But that's not even really the issue I have with HGs.  So I am rereading BR to juxtapose and reveal my thoughts on a later date.    

Reading Battle Royale has been a wonderful throwback to me when I was 14 years old. 

 I have a vivid memory of being in McComb Mississippi after Hurricane Katrina at my grandparents.  They were - like everyone in Mississippi - poor, they lived in a trailer park.  McComb wasn't flooded from the hurricane but the town I lived in sure did and so after Katrina we went to my grandparents.  Unfortunately due to no electricity or running water my grandparents trailer became a big metal oven.  So we got a fold out canopy and put an air mattress underneath it.  Viola! Home.  

One night my mother went in the trailer at night to sleep in the tub of the bathroom with my youngest bother, Christopher.  He was only two at the time and my mother was worried that he was being bit by too many mosquitoes.  We all were, but he was too young.  This detail sticks out to me.

I don't think about this time in my life often but it is surreal to do the same activity (reading Battle Royale) that I did almost seven years ago in such a different situation.  Reading Battle Royale and having my older brother, David, with me were the only things that kept me alive and sane while we were going through that.  Rereading the book has been... relieving perhaps?  I think it was important to read it again with older eyes and see how much I've grown/changed.  Oh jeez I'm being all sentimental.  If you can consider Battle Royale sentimental.  

It is basically about kids forced to kill each other.  Except it's not cute and hopeful like Hunger Games.  It's more Japanese and angsty.  

Lack of: Art, Money, Sex, and Batman.

Oh my goodness working alone all night again I'm feeling hyper-ish.  I think I will type the hyper away.  Maybe I'll work on my short story.  GETTING BACK INTO ART IS WEIRD.  It feels.. forced?  Something.  It makes me feel not me to remember I can't write like I used to.  Like this blogging shit?  Easy.  It's just like talking.  I monologe in person to my bf all the goddamn time 'cause he doesn't talk.  But writing stories feels weird.  I think it reminds me of art school.  UHGGG.  Let's talk happy kay?

PS when I do finish something good I'll put it on here.  :D  Excited!

So I flew like $500 in six days wtf.  It's Vermont Restaurant Week.  GOD DAMN.  And I bought two bathing suits for Victoria's Secret!  (I need to seriously diet!!)  I'll post pics eventually.  ;)  And I got some Vans but they are a little too small.  :c  I'm still going to wear them of course.  Bahaha.  I'll just need some bandaids for the backs of my heels.  lol  So silly.

Oh I think I'm asexual btw.  I think it's kinda silly too but it's true.  I hate sex.  I don't want it, and I feel bad for my bf.  In fact sexual intercourse scares me. I think it has something with sexual abuse in my past but I don't want to hate it.  It's a normal thing.  I'm already to fucking weird to hate sex c'mon.  But it makes me resent all horny people and I hate pornography.  So asexual for meeeeee.  But I don't want to be!  :c  Maybe I need viagra?  lol

Oh Buzz is 84% into Arkam Asylum.  I'm at 4%!  I'm so cheezed he went on without me!  That asshole!  It was supposed to be a couple thing!  He was just made because my Pokedex in Pokemon Black was sooo much better.

Time is absolutely flying.  I'm working my usual dismal awake overnight and it's already been 6 1/2 hours!  I haven't read any of my book yet though.  I need to finish 1Q84.  It's so damn long.  It will be the longest book I've ever read which is nice because in June I plan to start Infinite Jest. Good lord that will be something.  I want to get a Crushee account but have no invite.  I can't tell if it is a site for cam girls or if it is really just for cute people?  I go into the internet so innocent and end up with the worst damn scumbags trying to holla at me. I'm going to jump on Harvest Moon followed by 1Q84.  Night night.

How Mental Illness ruins friendships, but not French food and orangehair.

Ugh!  I am annoyed a little bit today.  Not only did me and my bf fight last night for the umff time but today I found out one of my co-workers de-friended me on Fasbuk.  I don't even know this guy, I only worked with him once!  But he also teaches over at the art school I used to go to and I think that's the reason.  That art school hates me because I wasn't exactly the greatest person when I went there and I ended up in the hospital.  BUT I AM OVER THAT.  And I've apologized to all of the people I wronged.  But all of them were like "Fuck you." when I apologized.  Well fuck that, I got better and if you people can't forgive someone then you aren't worth my time.  But obviously they were shit talking me or why else would my co-worker de-friend me?!  It's not even that I am so egotistical I think "Oh why would any not want to be friends with the wonderful ME?"  It's that he was nice to me up to a point and then suddenly de-friends me.  That hurts because I AM SO DONE SUFFERING FROM MY PAST MISTAKES.  And my mistakes were never even evil to the core mistakes.

I dated a few guys and "broke their hearts."  I had problems letting go of James (because he was the person I moved to Vermont with and the only support I had!  I mean c'mon I don't even talk to any of my family really.  Of course I'm going to cling to the only person whose ever really cared for me!)  I also mooched, and I mooched a lot.  I didn't have any money and I had no ways to really afford anything.  I wasn't lazy though.  I worked three jobs!  It just wasn't enough to survive on.  I couldn't work too much because I was also a full time student taking five classes.  I tried my bloody hardest.  I came to Vermont with James, he left me and I had to fend for myself.  So I dated guys to try to have support - it didn't work and I would break up with them.  And I would mooch to survive.  I wasn't a strong person - but if you were 18 moved across the country with an unsupportive family whose made you feel like shit for years and you didn't want to go back you'd probably do something similar.  Oh there is a name for it:  Borderline Personality Disorder.  I'll give you some facts via Wikipedia (because they are a legit source):
" is a psychological condition marked by a prolonged disturbance of personality function, characterized by unusual variability and depth of moods. These moods may secondarily affect cognition and interpersonal relations.  The disorder typically involves an unusual degree of instability in mood and black-and-white thinking, or splitting. BPD often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes and chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, issues with self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self."

There is more but that's the gist of it.  Point is I'm not trying to make excuses in my behavior.  I know what I did was not who I want to be.  And you know what?  I've changed.  Maybe people can change.  It's a wonderful idea.  I go to doctors, I take meds, I've dealt with many many demons and maybe even fought dragons.  Hah, what I'm saying is I'm better now.  AND I DON'T WANT TO SUFFER FROM IT ANYMORE.  I have a job and I can support myself.  I have fairly healthy relationship with my boyfriend, and I'm beginning to understand the root to many of my issues.  It's great and the friends who have stuck around (bless their strong hearts) have seen the progress I've made into being a healthy and functioning young gal.  So why do these people have to trash talk me and make others dislike me for things I did two years ago when I was in a "bad place"?  You'd think "artists" would like crazy people.  Hahaha.

On a brighter note I had an amazing dinner for the 13 month anniversary (we're one of those annoying couples who celebrate every month).  We went out to a restaurant called Leunig's.   It's a French place and expensive - Buzz spent $140 on our two meals!  But it was so so so amazing.  I'll post pictures of it.  I got a filet mignon and it was so delicious.  I ate all of it and was so stuff afterwards.  It was worth it though.  We spend so much money of food but I just love food.  I love it.  I don't eat fast food and I don't eat crappy food.  I'm willing to spend the extra cash to get a meal rich in flavor (and probably healthier too) than go to Mc Donald's.  (shudder)  If you like fast food, do what you do, my vice is Chinese food and that's all fried.  I just prefer that finer foods.

My last though of the day is I died my hair crazy crazy and I'm happy with the results.  I had to pay $15 for the dye they had to specially go out and get and then $71 for the bleaching and everything.  It was so cheap!  It took three hours but that was fine because My hair stylist offered me water tea or a coffee!  Hello service!  Aveda has their own licorice tea and it is off the chain.  I was totally pleased with my experience there - I'm going to keep going there for more crazy colors.  :D

Disney, Sad, Hair

Working an awake overnight. I'll try to make a pretty good blog because I have all damn night to write it.  I am currently looking up gyms in Burlington to go to since I want to get fit.  I joined Fitocracy and everything!  Haha.  The only exercise I really do walk everywhere and occasionally stretch.  I seriously want to start losing weight and I haven't lost as much as I'd like.  I want toned belly.

Oh!  My brother bought me a plane ticket so I will be going down to New Orleans May 28th!  Then we are going to drive together to Disney World!  He wants me to sneak Adderal with me because I know a guy up here but it seems risky.  Plus I don't do drugs anymore!  Which brings me to my next point.

I've been depressed lately and I just don't know what to do about it.  That makes me want to do drugs.  Yes I know, drugs are bad.  They don't solve problems.  Be responsible.  But I've just been so fucking responsible and mature since September I'm going crazy!  I work so much I haven't seen friends, I only hang out with my boyfriend and we just do the same stuff, eat at the same places, blah blah.  I haven't been crazy and ridiculous in so long I feel like I am losing myself.  I'm becoming average and boring.  :x  I don't want it.  Maybe not and I'm just being emo.  Whatever.  Oh yesterday was Record Store Day, after I volunteered at the library I fought hipsters for vinyl.

I plan on dying my hair crazy either tomorrow or later this week.  I want pinkkkk.  I hope it turns out all right.  I've been trying out hair color changing apps that change the hair color on pictures but I haven't found any apps that work well.  Uhg.  There are so many shitty apps out there. I've been asking people for advice but no one gives me good advice.  :ccc poo poo.  I'm going to go to the salon and just ask them for advice I guess.  I think I'm going to get on reading 1Q84.  I seriously need to finish that book to begin my Hunger Games VS Battle Royale experiment.  I'll be writing big long rants about that soon I assume.  I am trying to keep these blogs light for now so I don't sound like a bitch.  Book snobbery to come soon though.