Christmas and the Alternative Sadness - The Soundtrack

Here is my Christmas Playlist - Merry Christmas everyone!  It's in no specific order.  I'll put stars near songs I find exceptionally good.  

Jackson 5 - Santa Cause is Coming to Town

Elton John - Step Into Christmas

Brenda Lee - Rockin Around the Christmas Tree

The Moonglows - Hey Santa Clause

Robby Helms - Jingle Bell Rock

Eels - Everything's Going to be Cool this Christmas *

Eels - Christmas is Going to the Dogs

Everclear - Hating You For Christmas ****************************** Favorite Christmas Song.

The Dandy Warhols - Little Drummer Boy  ********************

The Decemberists - Angel, Wont You Call Me for Christmas  *****

Marcy Playground - Keegan's Christmas

The Smashing Pumpkins - Christmastime

Vince Guaraldi Trio - Christmas is Coming

Vince Guaraldi Trio - Linus and Lucy

Squirrel Nut Zippers - Sleigh Ride

The Beach Boys - Little Saint Nick

The Beach Boys - Merry Christmas, Baby

Tom Petty - Christmas All Over Again

Run D.M.C.- Christmas Is  ****

No Doubt - Oi to the World

Run D.M.C. - Christmas in Hollis  *****

Elvis Presley - Blue Christmas

Frank Sinatra - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

John & Yoko - Happy Xmas (War is Over)

Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmastime

Bing Crosby & David Bowie - Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth

Ben Folds - Lonely Christmas Eve

Coldplay - Christmas Lights

The Specials - Holiday Fortnight

The Shins - Wonderful Christmastime ******

Andrew Bird - Auld Land Syne

Collective Soul - December

Daniel Johnston - Rock Around the Christmas Tree

The Flaming Lips - Christmas at the Zoo

The Flaming Lips - A Change at Christmas (Say it Isn't So)

R.E.M. - Deck the Halls

Foxy Shazam - Walking in the Air

Belle and Sebastian - O Come, O Emmanuel

The Dandy Warhols - Everyday Should be a Holiday

Dead Kennedys - Holiday in Cambodia

Sex Pistols - Holiday in the Sun

Band of Horses - The First Song

Weezer - Hark!  The Herald Angels Sing

Mazzy Star - Flowers in December

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Is this Home on Ice

Pearl Jam - Let Me Sleep (It's Christmas Time)

Jethro Tull - Jack Frost and the Hooded Crow

GZA - Cold War

Tom Waits - Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minneapolis ****

Eux Autres - Teenage Christmas

Pixies - Winterlong

The New Pornographers - The Spirit of Giving ***

Queen - Thank God It's Christmas

Wizzard - I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday (I don't care if it's played out.)

Nada Surf - 80 Windows

Badly Drawn Boy - Donna and Blitzen

Eve 6 - Noel! Noel!

Oasis - Merry Christmas Everybody

Simon and Garfunkel - A Hazy Shade of Winter

The Kinks - Father Christmas

Lou Reed - Xmas in February

Third Eye Blind - One of Those Christmas Days

The Magnetic Fields - Everything is One Big Christmas Tree

Blues Traveler - Christmas

Counting Crows - A Long December

Guided by Voices - A Doughnut for a Snowman

Foxy Shazam - Heavens on Their Mind

Pearl Jam - Wishlist

Sufjan Stevens - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Sufjan Stevens - Get Behind Me, Santa!

Sorry if some of the videos are lame, I didn't watch them all.  I'm almost off work and can actually Celebrate Christmas!!!!

In The Defense Of Stimulants

Yesterday I was prescribed Ritalin.  It was a long process and confusing.  I went to the doctors three days in a row until they prescribed it.

I went first because my Wellbutrin does not work anymore.  I've been on it for a year and a half, up to 400 mgs.  When I first started taking it the pills worked well.  I got out of my depression, I started going to college, got a job, housed, got some pets.  It worked for a while - but now it does not.  So I went in the doctor's with the idea that I wanted stimulants.

But we're not supposed to say that, right?  If we say that, we wont get them because we just want to abuse them, right?

So I went through the rigmarole of various screenings.  Actually, I was honest with every answer.  According to their little screening I am ADD, I even have some Hyperactivity in me too.  Of course they screened me for other things - I passed those tests too.  I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD according to their tests.

But I just wanted stimulants, don't give me beta-blockers to help me sleep.  I don't have energy as it is.  So, I sat down with my doctor and she wanted to put me on a non-stimulant that helps focus.  But it is more expensive so I got on Methylin, a cheap generic Ritalin.

But now I feel so bad, the whole time I was there it was like the doctors knew I wanted stimulants, and that is bad.  Personally I don't think it is bad.  And it is true that I do not focus well.  I hope stimulants work for me because when I have abused them I was focused and up an at em.  Though, I read that it helps everyone focus.  Kids take them in school to get better grades.  I read this NY Times article where they were talking about the horrors of kids abusing Adderall to get into good colleges.  LOL since when are people complaining about kids taking the initiative to get better grades and get into good schools?  People complain about drugs and alcohol because they hinder people's ability to function.  Stimulants enhance, they don't hinder.  They help EVERYONE focus, so if kids use them to enhance their study sessions it's the end of the world?  They find other things to help them stay up all night before a test.  Coffee, energy pills, energy drinks.  But those aren't frown upon because we can't get addicted to them.  Oh wait.  We can.

An addict is an addict, even if you take their drug of choice away, they'll find something else.

Don't get me wrong, there are some bad things that come with stimulants, tweaking and crashing.  But should I feel like a damn criminal when I go into the doctor's and want ADD meds?  I bet if I asked to get on anti-depressants they'd be fine with that.  Doctors have no qualms handing out anti-depressants.  They make you numb though, not happy.  You can't really abuse Zoloft.

So when we started talking about getting me on ADD medication the conversation was awkward due to the elephant in the room.  The elephant being "No, even though I am a young adult in the lower middle class, I don't want to abuse these or sell them"  But I can't say that, she'll think I'm lying.

Not enough people who need stimulants are getting them because they can be abused.  Because our society has decided that Adderall is bad, unlike say Xanax or Loratabs (that Doctors hand out more freely).  When someone wants to get on them, it is bad.  We have to wait for the doctor to make up their mind with what they think you need, and there is no conversation.  We have little say in the mental medications we consume.

Here are some complimatary photos of myself and stuff.

Spa Night

Buzz has stayed longer than anticipated, but I subjected him to a spa night. Filled a pot of warm water to soak feet. Got foot scrub and loofah. Sat around watching The Thirteenth Floor and scrubbing our feet. Face masks were next and then I did my nails. It's really fun being a girl sometimes.

And I love the Thirteenth Floor.

Happy Belated Kim Day!

Last week Buzz and David came on Monday, December 3rd for KIM DAY.  Kim Day is my holiday.  Basically, when I was eleven years old my mother had her fourth child and I was convinced I would never get the proper attention a princess like me deserves.  (I was right.)  My parents decided that I should make up my own holiday - not my birthday - as a day just about me me me.

Well, I have celebrated for 10 years strong and my parents have yet to acknowledge the day.

It's actually a lot of fun, having your own holiday, and I suggest to everyone to make up their own holiday too.  I always get sad on my birthday, as illustrated here.   But Kim Day is just an excuse to feel special and go around saying "Happy Kim Day!"  And other people respond "Happy Kim Day!"  It's lighthearted fun.

So this Kim Day, Buzz and David came from out of state to visit.  David was in New York with our Biological Father, and Buzz had already moved back to Cape Cod.  When I got off work on Kim Day, they picked me up and we went and bought me an iPhone 5!  I had to switch onto my brother's Verizon plan.  Thank gawd though, because before I had Sprint and they suck so hard.  

So, iPhone 5.  Yep.  That's cool.  Honestly, I have not had time to enjoy it yet because I have been so busy! Tuesday morning Sierra (David's girlfriend) came up to visit from New Orleans.  So Tuesday Buzz went and covered my work shift while I slept in and then started showing Sierra around town with Dave.  It was fun.  Tuesday night we saw the band Trampled by Turtles in concert and it was great!  Wednesday I went to work but was still feeling sick so I left at Noon and went home to sleep most of the day.  That night my friend Cameron came over and we all watched this German movie called The Wave.  It was actually pretty good.  Interested seeing German's view on Hitler and tyranny and all.  Thursday I slept a lot of the day and didn't get up until 6pm!  You may be thinking  "wtf Kim?  You haven't been busy, you've been sleeping!"  But I have been so sleepy, you have no idea.  I just feel so wiped out, I'm afraid my Wellbutrin isn't working anymore.  I went to the doctor's yesterday and they took blood to check my thyroid.  I got very lightheaded, and then they tried to explain health insurance.  Do not explain health insurance after you take someone's blood.  It doesn't work.

Thursday evening my Doc Martin's came in the mail.  I will have to take photos because they are beautiful, even though I have already scuffed them up.  But, they're boots.  Who can take very good care of shoes when they are on the dirty ground all the time? 

I spent my weekend in New York with my biological father, David, and his girlfriend Sierra. There was a lot of whiskey, guitars, and red necks. Sorry this post took forever to finish. So busy.

Social Whoring My Animals

I was bored yesterday, and I was goofing off at work as I do.  The result is I've made my pets profile accounts on a few Pet Social Media sites.  I've gotten some emails from people who really like Blizz and Thund, so here are pages dedicated to just them.  Check them out!!

 Blizzard's BunSpace Page.

Thunder's Catster Page.

Blizzard's Cuteness Page.

Thunder's Cuteness Page.

That is all I have for now, so if you happen to be on any of the sites be my friend!  I'll try to update their lives and add pics quite regularly.  Cuteness has cute battles so vote for my babies so they will get prizes.  I've also added some more widgets to the right, over there. Facebook, Thunder's Catser, Flickr and ill work on getting up the other social things I have. I don't even use some very much yet, like Pinterest, but I like collecting them. Like Pokemon.

Anyways Buzz is moving out tomorrow so I'm busy tonight - with stuffing my face and wallowing in self pity.


Speaking of food, food porn.

 

So this is what I ate on Thanksgiving.

This is poutine, best ever.

This was Thunder's thanksgiving.

This is what me and Buzz made Saturday for our own personal thanksgiving.

Defending Generation Y Half-Heartily (Of Course), Sorry For Stupidity

I read an article just now on the "cool" of my generation.  I thought I would write a little bit about it and incorporate something else that I wanted to say as well.  The article tells us that irony is the ethos of the day, and that the hipster in the archetype of Generation Y, or Millennials.  It's interesting to think that I am part of a Generation now.  When I was fifteen I read Generation X by Douglas Coupland (along with most of his other books) and thought it was so cool.  Getting away from the world to live out in no where and drink Zima.  Now, that's me.  Except, I got away from the world by moving to Burlington, VT (a little Portland, Oregon really) and instead of drinking Zima it's microbrews.

So the article talked about the different ways that we are ironic, wearing silly clothes and liking old things, even taking new things and making them old - Instagram.  All this being instant nostalgia and ironic- a defense mechanism we use, I guess.  If we insult ourselves no one can do it for us.  So the hipster is a rebirth of the cool beatnik with a dorky self awareness that yeah, we're played out.  I guess, interesting, I guess.

I then read an article about someone who read the article (blog-ception) and who talked about how unimportant it is to talk about it.  I think this article is kinda funny because isn't it the hip that initially love making fun of the hip and then eventually find talking about the hip to be overdone so they hate talking about the hip?  Actually I don't know either, "cool" is so difficult.

Oh yeah the articles are right here:

How to Live Without Irony

New York Times Explores Hipster Irony

Anyways, my only comment I wanted to add is the lameness of original article to start talking about their generation.  Said Generation X.  The 90s who "actively did not care."  Feminism, Berlin Wall, racial issues, all of these were at the forefront back then and after Y2K everything went to shit.  Funny, I love the 90s- if I could live in any year it would be 1994.  Mainly due to music but yeah, I kinda jam on that slacker style.  But to try to fool yourselves - Generation X - that you were better than us, is such shit.  My main reason?  Because the previous generation fucked us over.

It's not completely your guys fault though.  You had the traditional Baby Boomers to raise you with morals and a organized rebellious hippie flair.  Then you guys listened to too much Nirvana and Jerry Springer was invented and now everyone I know is from broken homes and takes a lot of mediation.  I'm glad "stay together for the kids" is not the mentality anymore but you need to sympathize with the difficulty of split parents.  I dealt with it well but i know many people who were really hurt when the parents broke up.  Drugs are also something I feel is new in the parents bonding world.  I know a lot of people who get fucked up with their parents.  That's weird, right?

Technology is also a big deal.  People say we are technologically dependent   Yeah it is, because it basically raised us.  Sesame and School House Rock, Bill Nye were our biggest teachers.  A lot of us grew up looking at screens.  And what's on these screens impact us too.  Sex and violence.  So we are desensitized tech junkies and have access to too much information and porn via internet.  That can fuck with some heads don't you think?  So we like the idea of the past and our more innocent childhoods, and are all insecure, and have a handful of diagnosis by age 16.  I can name 5 girls of the top of my head who have been diagnosed bi-polar.  And I didn't even have to look at my friends list on Fasbuk for think of them.

There are actually a bunch of reasons Generation Y is fucked up but I'm not writing a damn thesis.  I did want to use that to be my excuse for the poor writing in my first blog entries when I made this blog.  I sound dumb and said "lol" too much.  That is not me, I read too many books to sound like that.  But, I was worried people would find my blog and I didn't really want to be too much of myself so I thought if I sounded dumber it would be more widely acceptable.  I believe on my very first post I mention that I was defensive about it.  But now I am not really, and I just want to write.  I can't write well, and I don't know how to be too creative when I'm drugged up on so many anti-depressants, but I want to write.   I hope I can write a little more respectively than "lol."

Now I will put photos I have recently taken with my iPhone because, I am self-absorbed.  These will include: me drinking pink champagne, my brother in American Apparel, my new record, and a bento I made yesterday.

Chiclets From My Mind

As of yesterday I can cross off
1. drinking wine in the bath tub and
2.watching 240 minutes nonstop of Dawson's Creek
from my bucket list.  I decided to organize that sentence in a different way because it was going to be a run-on anyways.

Tab:  "Hey, so I know this is pretty awkward since we have been dating on and off for a while..."
Ivan:  ::groans::
Tab:  "Yeah, I'm like, gay."
Ivan:  "No shit!  Really?  What?  I wouldn't have guessed, for real.  Like even before we were hooking up when I first met you, I didn't see you as gay.  Maybe like, bi or something but not full fledged gay.  I mean, I usually have a pretty good gay-dar you know?"
Tab:  "Dude, how do you think I feel?  I thought I had a good gay-dar.  Like, totally know when someone is gay but had no idea I was.  That's fucked up, dude."

Never try with someone.  You give them back scratches in the middle of the night. You pluck that one hair on your big toe just in case he sees your toes up close and notices it.  You eventually stop hanging out with everyone you knew and stop enjoying anything that you liked.  There is no more partying because they'll be insecure and somehow make you feel like a slut if you want to go out drinking or dancing.  You'll watch the most stupid and uninteresting movies because your taste are so different from each other that when you try to find a movie that is in the middle ground it is so far from anything in your tastes that it is a substance less blob and you'll realize you've been watching prime time television shows of Netflix.  The only thing you'll do that gives you an excuse to dress nice, because you'll be out in public, is dinner.  But you can't dress too nice because men will look at you, and you can only wear that form fitting shirt at home.  Going out to dinner is only enjoyable because you don't have to talk too much and you're just eating.  You realize you are more excited about eating some good food than being with them.  You'll try to make friendly conversation and it just wont work and you'll realize you are just monologue-ing for forty minutes. Though he looks interested, it must be a practiced look because you realize you have already told him this story at least three times before.  So you'll stop in mid-sentence and he will not even notice and you will feel alone.  But you try and try again.  Until you realize they have nothing to talk about.
But you are so person-less since you've been with them.  You have been watching television and stopped creating art that you as well have nothing to talk about, except your past when they were not around and you did things that were interesting enough to be told later on over dinner.  You have nothing to talk about anymore because you tried.  Then they'll leave you and move back to Cape Cod.

If I were a fish, I'd be a catfish.

That long and dramatic paragraph was ostentatious and exaggerated   Me and Buzz's relationship wasn't like that but the above paragraph sounds better written down than the truth.

I'm going to touch you very hard.

Last night I bought a Cosmopolitian magazine, I think it must be some guilty pleasure.  Honestly though, I hate that magazine.  Every issue is the same with the same sex tips and beauty secrets.  But my biggest issue is more from a feminist standpoint.  Cosmo advertises as being aimed towards "fearless" and "fun" women.  All these articles on sexual independence and how awesome hooking up with guys is.  Why is it if we are so independent  that half of the magazine is "what he wants" kind of shit?  Also, why does Cosmo ask girls to gauge their independence based upon sexuality?  Isn't that a very male perspective to immediately sexualize the woman and then all other factors and attributes branch out from that original sexual platform that was used to conceptualize her?

I brought up that last sentence on Fasbuk and immediately got teased by male and females.  Fucking ridiculous how feminism has to be such a bad thing.  Girls are too afraid to own up to feminism because guys are such assholes about it because they don't want to be challenged.  Like sure maybe I have some extreme views in our society- don't want to be sexualized ..  guys should stop raping girls... and I think pornography is a bad thing all around. I'm so fucking radical.  No, I'm just a fucking lady.

I'm Dramatically Sad, This Is My Angst Blog And Dawson's Creek

Everyone is leaving me.

Buzz is finally moving out of the apartment on the 27th.  This give me ten days to prepare for his departure.  It sucks and I will miss him.  I know living with your ex boyfriend is not ideal and kinda stressful at times, but I still love Buzz and will miss him.  David also isn't here very much.  He is staying in New York with our biological father to do construction work and play Halo.  -.- Stupid.  I don't really know what to think... beyond.. "I should do the dishes and get up but I doubt I will and I want to cry."

I don't want to live alone.  I've never lived alone.  I can't do it.  I'm a fragile baby damn it!  I will have no one....  Loneliness and sorrow.

Okay I put on Dawson's Creek I hope this makes me feel better.

I Can't Cook, I Like Bentos, And My Babies Have No Balls

I wish I knew how to cook.  If it's not from a box I'm fucked.

Yesterday a co-worker came in eating her homemade sourdough bread with homemade goat milk cream cheese and avocado   These people from Vermont I swear, lol.  They make me feel so bad.  She said sometimes she eats bad food.  Pasta is bad food according to her.  What the fuck just kill me now.  All we eat is white rice and pasta in my house with tofu seitan vegan sausage or other stuff on it.  I'm supposed to eat brown rice and ... tears I guess.  I got quinoa because that is better for you I guess.  Either way, we had tacos last night.  But with lettuce and salsa.  Those are veggies right?  lol  

What I really want to do is make cute bento.  Because they are just so cute.  Happylittlebento is a great blog for that.  I love looking at all the amazing bento she makes for her kids!  I tried to make a bento, it turned out like this:

              

In this I made an omelete to eat with rice.  a gluten free waffle with cashew butter, and grilled onions and tofu with pesto.  It's not amazing of cute, but I'm trying!!!

In other news, my babies got neutered last Thursday.  My babies got no balls.  I have been trying to find ways to cheer them up though.  Been giving Blizzard lots of veggies and Thunder, well, he seems unfazed about not having balls.  Blizzard is still pooing everywhere though, and spraying.  :(  I paid so much money to get him neutered so he wouldn't mark his territory but he is so damn insecure.  He's lucky he is cute.