Speaking For The Dead

Today in the last day of 2013.  I would like to start talking about my old New Year resolutions and what new ones I have for 2014, but I can't do that yet.  2013 was a hell of a year.  It was a damn hard year and a lot of people died. I want to give a moment to acknowledge everyone I know who has died in 2013. 

Prince Blizzard Lapin Bin Bin (Died at 10 months old on March 10th, 2013)

I have blogged about the death of my baby boy already.  On March 10th, 2013 my precious Blizzard left us for the rainbow bridge.  This tore me up.  I have not had a day since that I do not think of him.  He is everywhere to me.  Around my neck, in a box on my bookshelf, on the wall of the bunny room, in the eyes of his brother Thunder, in my heart.  Blizzard, I know you aren't into blogging so I doubt you are reading this from Heaven, but baby I love you so much and I miss you everyday.  I still cry over you, and I still brag about you whenever I can.  You mean the world to me, Blizzy.  I hope you are binkying to your hearts content up there in the clouds.

Jacob Powell (Died at 24 years old on May 1st, 2013)

2 months after Blizzard died, my ex boyfriend Jacob Powell died.  He wasn't exactly my boyfriend, but he took me out on dates and did boyfriend/girlfriend things.  He was my brother's friend.   I met him at an open mic I had at my house.  He brought wine and was rude to me.  I later thanked him for coming and he invited me to Waffle House.  We spent hours everyday at Waffle House, smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee, and arguing.    We would argue about music, movies, books, Walt Disney, economics, morals, politics, psychology, everything.  All we did was argue and it was so fun.  Once he called me and told me to get dressed, he was picking me up.  We drove for a while, but he wouldn't tell me where we were going.  Eventually wearrived at The Mellow Mushroom in Ocean Springs.  One of my favorite pizza joints that I hadn't been to in years.  I mentioned the restaurant briefly to him once and he remembered.  

He would do sweet stuff like that but always wanted to act real cool.  He played guitar with my brother, and got along well with my parents and little brothers.  He was a good man. He had a baby with wonderful woman named Jennifer.  His daughter's name in Finn.  She is a beautiful baby.  Jacob died in the hospital, where he was getting a risky surgery done in hopes of living a healthier life with Finn.  Jacob, you are a strong man to risk your life for that surgury.  Your daughter is growing up well, I stalk her pictures and she is beautiful!  Thank you for being my friend in a time when I had no one.  Maybe you are too cool for school, but you were good to me.  Thank you.  I remember one time you told me you loved me, I love you too Jacob.  I know you are an atheist, but if there is an afterlife, I hope it is treating you well.  

Khiry Thomas (Died at 22 years old on April 29th, 2013)

Around Jacob's death, my classmate from high school took his life after trying to take the life of his own son.  Khiry Thomas, I don't know what you went through.  You were such a funny guy in class.  You were in the excellerated English classes with me and I remember you were so intelligent though you would try to hide it.  You would act tough or goofy but you would have moments of profoundness.  I don't know why you did what you did, but Khiry, I know you are in the Lord's hands.  I hope you have found the peace and the answers you were looking for when you pulled that trigger.   

Casey Boman  (Died at 23 years old on August 8th, 2013.)

Casey Boman was the brother of my Uncle Donnie.  He was a musician in Louisiana that was pretty well known, for good reason— his music was good.  He came to Christmas at my house once when I was 17.  I remember my brother and I being intimidated that THE Casey Boman was coming to our house for Christmas.  He was actually a sweetheart and we drove around town trying to find something to do on Christmas Day in a small Mississippi town.  He had a baby before he left, but over dosed in Texas.  Casey, I am so sorry this has happened to you.  You had a rough life, but I hope you have found the peace you deserve.

Peter Henry van Erp Senior (Died at age 87 on November 18th, 2013)

My grandfather died.  Peter Henry van Erp Senior, who was from the Netherlands.  My memories of him always included him yelling at me in a thick Dutch accent for doing something silly.  My grandpa was an amazing chef, and I've had the pleasure of eating his delicious food.  My father got to see him before he left, I am very happy for this because my father loves him a lot.  From the stories I've heard, Grandpa had a full life.  I love you Grandpa, I hope you are resting in peace.

2013 took too many lives away.  I don't have much to say other than I love y'all and you are not forgotten.  

Achieved Associates

I am done getting an Associates!  I am so happy about it.  I have been trying to put myself through college for 4 years, on and off.  Now I finally have something to show for it!  I took 3 classes this semester.  They were all art related classes and that demanded a lot from me in terms of creativeness.  I was also working full time when I was taking these classes, so I was a busy bee this past semester.

This semester I learned that I am not as academically competitive as I used to be back in high school.  Where I used to be an A student in the National Honor Roll Society back at Bay High School, I'm not stressed out about poor test grades anymore.  I more interested in actually learning and being able to apply what I learn.  I got an A-, C-, and B in my classes (respective to the order they are shown below.)  The grade aren't great and as you can see Filmmaking and Music class kinda killed me.  But all of my teachers seemed to appreciate my contribution in class, so I think it is a semester well done.  I talked a lot in all my classes and I enjoy the discussions and conversations my classes had.  Theres my course evaluation and what my teachers had to say about me.

Graphic Design I:

Kim took her coursework seriously and put a lot of thought into the class projects. She actively participated in class discussions and critique offer informed comments. She put a great deal of thought into her projects and assignments. Kim demonstrated strong creative problem solving skills and developed an excellent command of technology. She pushed herself to create effective and interesting work. She has the dedication and insight to become a successful designer. Her quirky sense of humor made class interesting. She was a pleasure to have in class.

Introduction to Digital Filmmaking:

Kim barely squeaked by with a non-failing grade due to missing 3 class times and not turning in her final project. However, she was an excellent contributor in class and the work she did, while often late or not 100% complete, was quite good. She also offered to help other students on their projects and gave very good feedback during in-class screenings. Her narrative scene, based on Isaac Asimov's short story, Nightfall, was quite ambitious in scope, and he documentary short was informative and engaging.

Introduction to Technology in Music:

Kim, I was hoping you'd pull it all together for the final, and boost yourself into the 'A' range, but you went the other way, scoring a 66% on the exam. Everything averaged out to a solid 'B' though, so all wasn't lost. Thank you for your class participation. You made a big contribution to what I felt was a very open and comfortable class dynamic this semester. It was a real pleasure having you in the class. Good luck in your future studies.

Let's just not talk about the final exam in music, okay?  I seriously spent 2 hours on that thing and by the end of it I was just throwing in words into blanks.  I can't memorize terms like I used to be able to.  But if you want to know about condenser mics and the mellotron I think I could tell you a think or two.

Thoughts And Mindfulness

I used to fill up an entire journal every month. Now it takes me about 6 months to fill one.  I don't write as much.  Part of it is being busy.  Part of it is trying to be less absorbed. I suppose I wouldn't have to write about myself, but when it comes to journaling I usually just say what I have been doing and vaguely how I feel. Nothing poetic.  Nothing deep.  I write lazily in lazy words just to get the gist of what I think, it calms me down.  I don't know what I do to calm down anymore.  I suppose I have been working on mindfulness, which is something many people encourage these days since we all live in our heads now and in the internet.

 Beyond that, I have been previously diagnosed with Dissociative Personality Disorder.  I've been diagnosed with a zillion things but this is one disorder I might agree I have traits of. 

I leave my body a lot.  I dream in third person, and I think in third person.  I often imagine myself from an aerial viewpoint.  It is the worst when it comes to sexual things, and things of high stress and emotion. I've been working on being me.  In me.  Experiencing me.  

I don't know what the right balance is between being present and mindful, and then pursuing my writing, my comic, my blogging.  There doesn't feel to be enough time. I'm already 22 and I'm not a rock star yet. The only people I perform for is my friends when we are drunk, and my pets who don't have an option to ignore me. 

I'm not a published comic book writer, but I have my Dystopian Nuclear Holocaust tumblr.  

I'm not a published novelist, but I have this gloriously stimulating and high brow blog.

I'm not a real director, but I've made 3 short films so far and need to make a fourth this week.

I can't even knit anything beyond bunny blankets. 

I'm not an accomplished artist in anything, but I certainly art a lot of arts.  

I wonder if there is a way to make arts and still be in my body.  Art is so indulgent and wrapped up in the focus and tunnels and the drifting in the head.  I bet pottery is a good one.

Maybe if I paid attention to my body while I did artsy pursuits, they'd actually be good and worth while.  

Right now, I write this on my iPad (which is a horrible way to type this much) at 3:00am on Thursday.  I am laying in bed, my cat Thunder was laying with me but when I pulled my comforter out from under him he left the bed.  My knees are up and my iPad is rested upon them.  My neck is strained on top just one pillow.  Mr Fuzzies is under my right arm.  My hands are dry and I have a slight burning in my throat from the birth control and Zoloft I just took that seems to be giving my acid reflux or dissolving in my esophagus. This is me being mindful. I'm experiencing me. 

 It's actually really dull and I'd rather watch Batman Forever and experience that.  

My Grandmother Asked Me To Send Her A Picture Of Myself

She hasn't seen me in 4 years.

Room 237 Reminded Me of Being 20

I finished watching Room 237 last night, it is a documentary about all the hidden messages in The Shining.  I love The Shining.  I saw it for the first time when I was six, right after I watched The Exorcist.   Where as The Exorcist scarred me, The Shining fascinated me.  The Shining is a movie that I can watch over and over again (I really need to blog a list of those movies.  There are not many movies I can re-watch frequently.)

Room 237 was pretty good and had some interesting observations.  There are various fanatics who spot all these little things in The Shining.  Some are more believable than others.

I don't know if I'd give it all the praise these star-giving critics did, since some of the theories were really stretching it, but it reminded me of a paper I wrote.  I went to the University of Vermont for about a month and a half before I had to take a medical leave.  While I was there I took a class called The Films of Stephen King.  In the class we analyzed the movies that are based off of Stephen King books, it was a great class with a great teacher.  The last assignment I did was a paper analyzing a short clip of any of the films we had watched thus far.  We had watching Stand By Me, Carrie, Apt Pupil, and The Shining by then.  I chose The Shining, and I chose this scene:

Unfortunately, I wrote this paper, turned it in, and due to my own mental instabilities, took a medical leave from school.  I have no idea what my teacher thought of my paper.  But, I will share it with you all.  I wrote it when I was 20 and there are some errors and things I would change.  But I will leave it unmolested for you all.

"It is with the introduction of Lloyd that Jack Torrance takes the final step in his downward spiral to a complete mental breakdown.  In the first few seconds of the scene we discover that Jack is fully taken over with mental illness with his first encounter with a  supernatural entity.  At the beginning of the scene we cannot see Jack’s face as he covers his eyes and makes smacking motions with his mouth.  It is an obvious portrayal of an addict wanting their fix.  As he does this there is an increasingly loud drum role that builds anxiety until one chime is heard as Jack peeks his eyes out from under his hands and stares straight at the camera.  These are similar noises used through out the film as Kubrick, like a magician, wants us to pay attention at certain and critical moments.  As Jack stares at the viewer, it is easy to see he isn’t really breaking the fourth wall because we can tell he is not really seeing us.  Perhaps this is a reflection to how Wendy and Danny felt, as he might make eye contact with them, but was never really seeing them either once he’s psychological shift overtook him.  Jack removes his hands and smiles with a “Hi Lloyd,” it is with that utterance that we aware that there is someone else in the house, someone that Jack already knows the name of, is pleasantly surprised to see, and understand what “it is a little slow tonight isn’t it?” means.  From this moment we then see Jack look around the Gold Room as if maybe there are people there.  The audience is aware that changes are taking place in the Overlook Hotel, but Jack is the only one who see it as of now.  We know Jack knows these changes the way he suddenly laughs at the camera, or to “Lloyd,” in a devilish manner.  This laugh tells us Jack knows something others do not know.  Jack has a secret that he shares with Lloyd.

Finally the scene changes off Jack looking right at the camera to a side view of Lloyd behind the bar.  From this angle we see a wall of alcohol bottles interrupted by two breaks in the wall that just was white light that SHINES behind Lloyd.  This wall symbolically represents the elements that are at work in making Jack mentally ill.  The alcohol is an obvious sign, Jack was a former alcoholic who has been sober for months but just “sold his soul” for a drink.  These bottles represents Jack’s weakness in mind and character and how his desires (mainly alcohol and his desire to be of a higher class) are over powering him.  This can be seen in how much alcohol there is, and how all of a sudden the bar looks high class.  The break in the wall of white light symbolizes the power the Overlook Hotel emits and uses to control Jack increasingly as the film goes on.  This wall in the background is a precursor for the tragic events that will follow.  

Lloyd is another important piece of this scene, after all he is the focus of the shot.  Right as the camera changes from Jack to Lloyd a chime sounds again, Kubrick the magician wants the viewer to pay attention.  Lloyd is dressed as a high class bartender, juxtaposed to Jack’s dark red sweater and jeans.  Despite being better dressed than Jack, Lloyd responds to Jack “Yes Mr. Torrance, what will it be?”  Lloyd’s words tell us a few things, he also knows Jack by name and he calls Jack “Mr. Torrance,” giving Jack respect and in a position of power that Jack has been wanting this entire film.  Also, Lloyd is going to serve Jack alcohol.  Lloyd is enabling Jack to indulge in his vice of choice that has led to a few problems in his life, addiction and ripping his son’s arm out it it’s socket.  Lloyd is now a know enemy because of this.  We, the viewer, see Jack’s downfall into psychosis and already fear for Danny and Wendy.  Alcohol makes Jack harmful and now he is being given that by Lloyd.  One of the more subtly interesting aspects of the introduction of Lloyd is that never in this entire discourse between Jack and Lloyd is there a two-shot in which Jack and Lloyd are in the same frame.  This is to reinstate that Jack is dealing with something that is not like him and that there is a distinct difference between the two characters.  We see Jack talk off camera and focus his attention on something the viewer cannot see, then we are shown Jack’s point of view by seeing Lloyd at the bar.  This gives distance between the two characters, but this changes in, for example, the bathroom scene where Jack and Grady are quite close in the frame.  Lloyd’s presence in this scene gives many indicators to his danger to Jack and his family, though Jack embraces him with iconic Jack Nicholson smiles.

The Shining has many powerful scenes that show much about this very rich film.  The introduction to Lloyd, though, brings the film to some crucial turning points.  Here Jack “sells his soul” and Lloyd immediately answers, a direct reference to satanic evils at work.  The Gold Room comes to life for the first time, and the Overlook Hotel truly expresses its power and force to Jack.  When this happens Jack finally fully embraces madness and everything that follows from this point on will reflect that embrace."

I think is is pretty good for a 20 year old, though I fail to acknowledge that there is in fact a scene with both Torrence and Lloyd.  Not bad, younger Kim, not bad.

Film Editing

Take a long time.


Goodbye forever.

Happy Birthday Leo and Penny!

October 21st, Leopold Stokowski and Penelope turned 3 years old.  I adopted them from the Chittenden Humane Society back in March, about a week after my beloved Blizzard left us.  They had "behavorial problems" is what the Humane Society told me.  I assumed them just didn't understand rabbit's nature.  I was wrong, these were some mean rabbits.  But, for the past seven months I've bonded with those buns and now they both let me pet them.  I give them free range of their room and my bed room and sometimes I wake up and they are up on the bed looking at me!  They are wonderful cuddle buns that really love each other.

I threw them a little party for their birthday.


I got a bunch of little duck baby bowls for the buns and put greens and other treats in them.

I also made a little plate for Dexter.

Then for the humans, I made recipes off the website www.rabbitfoodformybunnyteeth.com It's a website that has a bunch of vegetarian and vegan recipes.  This is the spicy Korean tacos I made with my friend Cameron.

Then we sang happy birthday as we brought in the duck bowls of treats to the bun buns, here is Leo chowing down.

Then Penny came in and chowed down too!

Dexter sure loves his parsley!

Here is the vegan ice cream I made!  It's called nice cream.  :3  Made from blended naners, mango, and avocado and topped with a cashew cream, I made it all from scratch and it was really good!

The blue dog is a rattle, and some teething toys I got for the buns to throw around.

My last bunny food was Annie's BunnyGrams!

The buns didn't play with the toys... so I put the rattle on Leo's head.

Leo and Penny weren't amused.

Life Updates, Too Lazy to Really Blog

Oh I've been too busy to write any bloggins.  My classes are exciting and time consuming.  I just wrote a screenplay for my film class, based off Asimov's "Nightfall."  Such a good story.

It's been a nice Saturday off.  Yesterday I went apple picking for the first time ever!  It was too awesome!  I went with this guy I'm sorta seeing.  His name is Alex.  He's not my boyfriend though.  I'm fairly certain he is a Republican.  lololol

We have food in the house currently.  It is baffling and I just want to eat it all up!!  I've been about 114 lately, occasionally dipping down to 112.  On a good day, usually when I eat out with Alex somewhere or David or whoever I may eat with, I get up to 116.  I don't wanna get sick, y'all know this Vermont winter is coming.  Gotta get a vitamin or two in me!

Work is going well too, and I even did a good bit of cleaning today around the apartment!

So these are the updates on my life.  Oh, and my phone is dead.  I'm just trying to make up for not blogging in a few weeks.  This is better than nothing, right?

I also need to make more comics, but I haven't gotten a new stylus yet.  I also am just not addicted to the internet and been doing things outside the ether world.  Not much, but a little.

Hope everyone else's lives are going well.  I'll blog when I have something more interesting to say.

Social Work Through the Eyes of an Abused Child

Sunday I spent 5 hours with a 5 year old child who is a guest at the shelter I work at.  The child has been sexually abused in her past and has some serious behavioral issues.  I wont tell you too much because it is her life, and I don't want to display that.  While she spent time with me in the office, we talked about her sexual abuse.  It was a difficult conversation, she spoke more about her abuse than she ever had in the past.  As she spoke, she insisted on playing on my iPad and took about a zillion photos.  I later looked at all these photos she took of me and was just taken back.  These are through the eyes of a sexually abused child while she talks with a social worker about her abuse and pain.