Speaking For The Dead

Today in the last day of 2013.  I would like to start talking about my old New Year resolutions and what new ones I have for 2014, but I can't do that yet.  2013 was a hell of a year.  It was a damn hard year and a lot of people died. I want to give a moment to acknowledge everyone I know who has died in 2013. 

Prince Blizzard Lapin Bin Bin (Died at 10 months old on March 10th, 2013)

I have blogged about the death of my baby boy already.  On March 10th, 2013 my precious Blizzard left us for the rainbow bridge.  This tore me up.  I have not had a day since that I do not think of him.  He is everywhere to me.  Around my neck, in a box on my bookshelf, on the wall of the bunny room, in the eyes of his brother Thunder, in my heart.  Blizzard, I know you aren't into blogging so I doubt you are reading this from Heaven, but baby I love you so much and I miss you everyday.  I still cry over you, and I still brag about you whenever I can.  You mean the world to me, Blizzy.  I hope you are binkying to your hearts content up there in the clouds.

Jacob Powell (Died at 24 years old on May 1st, 2013)

2 months after Blizzard died, my ex boyfriend Jacob Powell died.  He wasn't exactly my boyfriend, but he took me out on dates and did boyfriend/girlfriend things.  He was my brother's friend.   I met him at an open mic I had at my house.  He brought wine and was rude to me.  I later thanked him for coming and he invited me to Waffle House.  We spent hours everyday at Waffle House, smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee, and arguing.    We would argue about music, movies, books, Walt Disney, economics, morals, politics, psychology, everything.  All we did was argue and it was so fun.  Once he called me and told me to get dressed, he was picking me up.  We drove for a while, but he wouldn't tell me where we were going.  Eventually wearrived at The Mellow Mushroom in Ocean Springs.  One of my favorite pizza joints that I hadn't been to in years.  I mentioned the restaurant briefly to him once and he remembered.  

He would do sweet stuff like that but always wanted to act real cool.  He played guitar with my brother, and got along well with my parents and little brothers.  He was a good man. He had a baby with wonderful woman named Jennifer.  His daughter's name in Finn.  She is a beautiful baby.  Jacob died in the hospital, where he was getting a risky surgery done in hopes of living a healthier life with Finn.  Jacob, you are a strong man to risk your life for that surgury.  Your daughter is growing up well, I stalk her pictures and she is beautiful!  Thank you for being my friend in a time when I had no one.  Maybe you are too cool for school, but you were good to me.  Thank you.  I remember one time you told me you loved me, I love you too Jacob.  I know you are an atheist, but if there is an afterlife, I hope it is treating you well.  

Khiry Thomas (Died at 22 years old on April 29th, 2013)

Around Jacob's death, my classmate from high school took his life after trying to take the life of his own son.  Khiry Thomas, I don't know what you went through.  You were such a funny guy in class.  You were in the excellerated English classes with me and I remember you were so intelligent though you would try to hide it.  You would act tough or goofy but you would have moments of profoundness.  I don't know why you did what you did, but Khiry, I know you are in the Lord's hands.  I hope you have found the peace and the answers you were looking for when you pulled that trigger.   

Casey Boman  (Died at 23 years old on August 8th, 2013.)

Casey Boman was the brother of my Uncle Donnie.  He was a musician in Louisiana that was pretty well known, for good reason— his music was good.  He came to Christmas at my house once when I was 17.  I remember my brother and I being intimidated that THE Casey Boman was coming to our house for Christmas.  He was actually a sweetheart and we drove around town trying to find something to do on Christmas Day in a small Mississippi town.  He had a baby before he left, but over dosed in Texas.  Casey, I am so sorry this has happened to you.  You had a rough life, but I hope you have found the peace you deserve.

Peter Henry van Erp Senior (Died at age 87 on November 18th, 2013)

My grandfather died.  Peter Henry van Erp Senior, who was from the Netherlands.  My memories of him always included him yelling at me in a thick Dutch accent for doing something silly.  My grandpa was an amazing chef, and I've had the pleasure of eating his delicious food.  My father got to see him before he left, I am very happy for this because my father loves him a lot.  From the stories I've heard, Grandpa had a full life.  I love you Grandpa, I hope you are resting in peace.

2013 took too many lives away.  I don't have much to say other than I love y'all and you are not forgotten.  

Achieved Associates

I am done getting an Associates!  I am so happy about it.  I have been trying to put myself through college for 4 years, on and off.  Now I finally have something to show for it!  I took 3 classes this semester.  They were all art related classes and that demanded a lot from me in terms of creativeness.  I was also working full time when I was taking these classes, so I was a busy bee this past semester.

This semester I learned that I am not as academically competitive as I used to be back in high school.  Where I used to be an A student in the National Honor Roll Society back at Bay High School, I'm not stressed out about poor test grades anymore.  I more interested in actually learning and being able to apply what I learn.  I got an A-, C-, and B in my classes (respective to the order they are shown below.)  The grade aren't great and as you can see Filmmaking and Music class kinda killed me.  But all of my teachers seemed to appreciate my contribution in class, so I think it is a semester well done.  I talked a lot in all my classes and I enjoy the discussions and conversations my classes had.  Theres my course evaluation and what my teachers had to say about me.

Graphic Design I:

Kim took her coursework seriously and put a lot of thought into the class projects. She actively participated in class discussions and critique offer informed comments. She put a great deal of thought into her projects and assignments. Kim demonstrated strong creative problem solving skills and developed an excellent command of technology. She pushed herself to create effective and interesting work. She has the dedication and insight to become a successful designer. Her quirky sense of humor made class interesting. She was a pleasure to have in class.

Introduction to Digital Filmmaking:

Kim barely squeaked by with a non-failing grade due to missing 3 class times and not turning in her final project. However, she was an excellent contributor in class and the work she did, while often late or not 100% complete, was quite good. She also offered to help other students on their projects and gave very good feedback during in-class screenings. Her narrative scene, based on Isaac Asimov's short story, Nightfall, was quite ambitious in scope, and he documentary short was informative and engaging.

Introduction to Technology in Music:

Kim, I was hoping you'd pull it all together for the final, and boost yourself into the 'A' range, but you went the other way, scoring a 66% on the exam. Everything averaged out to a solid 'B' though, so all wasn't lost. Thank you for your class participation. You made a big contribution to what I felt was a very open and comfortable class dynamic this semester. It was a real pleasure having you in the class. Good luck in your future studies.

Let's just not talk about the final exam in music, okay?  I seriously spent 2 hours on that thing and by the end of it I was just throwing in words into blanks.  I can't memorize terms like I used to be able to.  But if you want to know about condenser mics and the mellotron I think I could tell you a think or two.

Thoughts And Mindfulness

I used to fill up an entire journal every month. Now it takes me about 6 months to fill one.  I don't write as much.  Part of it is being busy.  Part of it is trying to be less absorbed. I suppose I wouldn't have to write about myself, but when it comes to journaling I usually just say what I have been doing and vaguely how I feel. Nothing poetic.  Nothing deep.  I write lazily in lazy words just to get the gist of what I think, it calms me down.  I don't know what I do to calm down anymore.  I suppose I have been working on mindfulness, which is something many people encourage these days since we all live in our heads now and in the internet.

 Beyond that, I have been previously diagnosed with Dissociative Personality Disorder.  I've been diagnosed with a zillion things but this is one disorder I might agree I have traits of. 

I leave my body a lot.  I dream in third person, and I think in third person.  I often imagine myself from an aerial viewpoint.  It is the worst when it comes to sexual things, and things of high stress and emotion. I've been working on being me.  In me.  Experiencing me.  

I don't know what the right balance is between being present and mindful, and then pursuing my writing, my comic, my blogging.  There doesn't feel to be enough time. I'm already 22 and I'm not a rock star yet. The only people I perform for is my friends when we are drunk, and my pets who don't have an option to ignore me. 

I'm not a published comic book writer, but I have my Dystopian Nuclear Holocaust tumblr.  

I'm not a published novelist, but I have this gloriously stimulating and high brow blog.

I'm not a real director, but I've made 3 short films so far and need to make a fourth this week.

I can't even knit anything beyond bunny blankets. 

I'm not an accomplished artist in anything, but I certainly art a lot of arts.  

I wonder if there is a way to make arts and still be in my body.  Art is so indulgent and wrapped up in the focus and tunnels and the drifting in the head.  I bet pottery is a good one.

Maybe if I paid attention to my body while I did artsy pursuits, they'd actually be good and worth while.  

Right now, I write this on my iPad (which is a horrible way to type this much) at 3:00am on Thursday.  I am laying in bed, my cat Thunder was laying with me but when I pulled my comforter out from under him he left the bed.  My knees are up and my iPad is rested upon them.  My neck is strained on top just one pillow.  Mr Fuzzies is under my right arm.  My hands are dry and I have a slight burning in my throat from the birth control and Zoloft I just took that seems to be giving my acid reflux or dissolving in my esophagus. This is me being mindful. I'm experiencing me. 

 It's actually really dull and I'd rather watch Batman Forever and experience that.  

My Grandmother Asked Me To Send Her A Picture Of Myself

She hasn't seen me in 4 years.